By Any Other Name
by Steefwaterbutter
Summary: Rules of Engagement. Shameless crack, in which I attempt to justify the ridiculous names given to the characters in Rules of Engagement. Mrs Blah Blah must find a husband by the end of summer. But with a name like hers, is she up to the task?


A/N: _This is a shameless story I wrote in the wee hours last night after discovering there was an actually category for Choices. To be honest, I was tickled pink that other people actually wrote fanfiction for this! XD_

 _I had waaaay too much fun coming up with all the names, and way too much fun writing this. It didn't turn out as random and silly as I thought it would be, but I hope you're still able to enjoy it. :D_

* * *

 _By Any Other Name_

They say that a rose by any other name would smell as sweet. For much of my life, I disagreed with that statement. Names carried a great deal of importance. Strange names drove people apart, whereas nice, normal names brought them together. But then I met the love of my life, and all that changed.

It all started when I boarded the legendary cruise, the Ember of the Sea. I was greeted immediately by one of the crew members whom I would later learn to call "Carter."

"Here, let me help me with your bags," was the first thing he said, ending it with a trailing "Miss…?"

"Mrs Blah Blah," I replied, pulling up my holographic screen and tapping my finger against my chosen clothes and hairstyle.

"Mrs… huh?" he asked, his face twisting around, eyebrows shooting up.

I let out a long, heavy, and somewhat melodramatic sigh, fluffing up my short brown hair with one hand and smoothing down my colorful dress with the other. "When I was born, my parents decided that no one could ever be good enough for their little girl. They named me Mrs Blah Blah in the hopes that if the men weren't driven off by the apparent fact that I was already married, the Blah Blah part would prove to scare them off."

"Uhhhhhh…" He was staring at my slack jawed, as if his small mind couldn't quite process it all. "You do know you can change it, right?"

I shot him a glare that made him close his mouth with a snap. "My parents died tragically when I was young. I will not dishonor their wishes by changing my name to something boring and mundane like… Katie."

 _Even if it does work a little_ too _well._

With that, I picked up my bags, my steps sure and swift as I walked up the gangplank and onto the cruise. I wriggled off a sandal and let my bare foot slide across the wooden deck, my gaze shifting to the sparkling sea beyond.

"Gorgeous," I murmured.

"I was just thinking the same thing. Can I get you a drink, beautiful?"

I snapped my gaze around to see a mullet-adorned (well, not exactly a mullet, but close) young man staring at me, a lax grin on his face.

I returned it with a cool gaze of my own. "Do I look like I want you hitting on me? I'll have you know, my name is _Mrs_ Blah Blah."

He held up a hand. "Woah, slow down! I'm just doing my job!"

"Oh!" I cried. "You're the bartender!"

"Yep. But my friends call me Me Like Trash."

I nearly stepped back from the shock. "Me Like Trash!" I cried. "What a curious name!"

"Haha, yeah," he said, rubbing the back of his neck with his hand, face flushing crimson. "My parents are weird. I mean… it didn't even start out that weird… then I joined the navy. Those guys have really weird senses of humor."

I got my drink, and was just about to take a sip when I felt arms wrap around me. "Ah me gersh!" I yelped.

"That's me~!" I heard my younger party-girl sister cry out, and I heard Me Like Trash snicker.

"And I thought my name was weird…"

"Yeah, well"—My sister smirked at the bartender—"people kept saying it whenever I showed up, so I just decided to save them the trouble and make it my name!"

"Ah Me Gersh," I said, my tone solemn. "I can't believe you're thinking about partying at a time like this."

"See?" Ah Me Gersh beamed. "It's perfect!"

"We should be focusing on waiting for the lawyer," I said.

"Sure… but that didn't stop you from flirting with Mr. Hot Bartender!"

"Yes, and I'm calling dibs!" I said. _He and I… our weird names… it must be meant to be._

"No fair!" Ah Me Gersh's face pulled into a pout. "You've already got a guy! I mean, I never liked him, but he _is_ your fiancée. Speaking of which, shouldn't he be here right now?"

 _Dr Pepper… That homely offspring of a toad,_ I thought, my face pulling into a scowl. Not only had he betray me, he had ruined my love of that sweet, caffeinated drink. Never again would I be able to crack open a can of soda without thinking of his rotting face.

A few minutes later, our late grandmother's lawyer arrived. Dinesh Singh. A unique name, but one that hardly could compete with ours. He explained that he had several letters from our grandmother, one for me and each of my siblings, as well as our cousin.

Of course, our other two siblings, as well as our least favorite cousin were late. And, of course, Ah Me Gersh ripped her envelope to shreds while I was still taking in that lingering scent of Nana.

I gave another sigh, but opened the letter. My eyes took in the contents, then stopped dead.

"We get her inheritance?" I asked.

Dinesh nodded, explaining how we each would have separate tasks to complete. If we did, we would each receive 100 million dollars. No small sum.

"What?!" Ah Me Gersh wailed, after flipping to her second page. "Nana's making me work for this money! Didn't she love me at all?"

I glanced down at my own second page, my throat closing up tighter and tighter with each word. " _Mrs Blah Blah, you've already found the love of your life. I know you've always struggled with being decisive and making commitments, so I want to help you overcome that. At the end of the summer, when the cruise reaches its final port, and elegant wedding has been prepared for you and your beloved fiancée. You only need to make your vows to earn your share."_

"Pffft," Ah Me Gersh said. "That's easy! You've got it made!"

"Maybe not," I said, my tone as crisp as new lettuce. "Ah Me Gersh, can we talk in private?"

* * *

It had happened a mere twelve hours earlier.

When I first heard the lovesick cry of "Oooh, Doctor Peppperrrrr~" I thought some caffeine-crazed lunatic had wandered into the office and was now raiding the minifridge. But why were all the lights out? Why was it so dark?

"Hello?" I said, my hand reaching out for something to grab. Being a fan of the drink as well as the human, I knew how… unsteady one could get when they had too much.

Instead of a weapon, my finger found the light switch. Light flooded the room.

This wasn't some crazy caffeine lunatic! No, this was much worse!

It was a fiancée-stealing lunatic, as well as a cheating fiancée!

* * *

Ah Me Gersh did her best to comfort me, saying that she and the rest of my siblings had been hoping we'd break up anyway, and I rolled my eyes despite the tears pricking at the corners.

We stepped inside my cabin, only to find…

Dr Pepper.

The human. Not the drink.

This was not how I wanted my first day on the cruise to go down.

* * *

After treating Dr Pepper to a few well-chosen words, and my sister threatening to call security, he left. But not before one final shot.

" _Mrs Blah Blah_ ," he sneered. "I was the only one who could ever bring himself to date you. With a name like that, how will you ever find someone else?"

"What a jerk," Ah Me Gersh spat out.

"He's not wrong though," I said. "My name is strange. I guess Mom and Dad just wanted to make sure that when I did find someone, it would be someone who was able to look past superficial things, like my name, and love me for who I am. But I only have this summer to find someone new to make my vows to. How can I do it?"

Ah Me Gersh grinned "We'll be traveling all over the world. I'm sure you'll find someone with a name just as weird as yours, and handsome to boot."

"You know what?" I said. "Ah Me Gersh, I think you're right."

She just grinned even wider. "I love my name."

* * *

Later that night, I met back up with Ah Me Gersh and her twin, Dr Creepsalot. After my parents had me, they decided to step it up a notch, giving her the name of Nicole Creepsalot. _Surely that would drive all the boys off!_ they had said. After they grew older, and Nicole began to show signs of her significant intelligence, they decided to upgrade it to Dr Creepsalot, a name plucked straight out of a black and white horror film.

Dr Creepsalot didn't hold it against them. She never held anything against anyone, really. Unless it interfered with her learning.

As soon as I opened the door she pulled me into a hug, saying how sorry she was. Behind her stood my older brother, I Like Ham, or Hamlet, as he preferred to be called. Mother agonized over the choice when he was born. Apparently, ham was on her mind, for when asked what she would call him, she finally blurted out "I like ham!" And that became my brother's name.

"Mrs Blah Blah," he said in that stern voice of his. Ever the knight in shining armor. "Ah Me Gersh told us everything. Do you want me to punch someone? Or something? Or _everything?"_

While he growled, Dr Creepsalot began rattling on about separation and finances and I couldn't help but smile. It had been so long since we were all together, and I couldn't be happier to have them back.

* * *

The next day I found myself dragged to the ship's boutique in order to "dress to impress all those hot guys at the mixer!" as Ah Me Gersh so eloquently put it.

I had to admit I was ready for some fresh faces after looking at Dr Pepper's totally unattractive mug for five years. Why had I ever hooked up with the guy in the first place?

I let my eyes roam over a few dresses, then I heard Ah Me Gersh snarl.

I whipped around, my eyes landing on Dr Creepsalot, and our least favorite cousin.

Mainerdeena.

None of us really knew the story behind her name, but rumor was that her father had been a bit of a redneck and wanted to name the child Maynerd. When it turned out to be a girl, he'd gone ahead anyway and named her Mainerdeena. Her mother and our aunt, Lady McEvilness had divorced him on the spot. She decided since she was already going through legal proceedings, she would change her own name to Lady McEvilness: a name that would be feared across the land.

When asked why she didn't simply change Mainerdeena's name as well, she simply replied that it didn't do to change a child's name when they were so young.

"Hello Mrs Blah Blah," she said in a tone that would make fresh lettuce wilt. "Ah Me Gersh."

"Mainerdeena, what are you doing here?"

"I image the same thing you're all doing. I'm here for Nana's inheritance."

* * *

After a… less than pleasant exchange with Mainerdeena and my hair inexplicably growing long enough to be braided, I was ready for the mixer. Maybe. Perhaps I should make up a new name for myself… hiding my true one until they had gotten to know me a little better.

No. I pulled my shoulders back and stood a little straighter. This was the name my parents had given me. I would wear it with pride.

And so, I stepped into the small room filled with tables, women, and some very gorgeous looking men.

After a few interesting conversations, including one with a die hard 'not-fan' of this game called "The Crown and The Flame," and some man who enjoyed taxidermy to a disturbing degree, I found myself talking to an oily man who went by the name of Shane. After asking if I was Asian, and commenting on how "I have like, a sixth sense for this thing. I looooove Asian girls," he went on to buy me a drink.

I did not drink his offered drink.

"Look, I'll stop beating around the bush," Shane said. "We're the two hottest people here. We can go through the motions, pound some drinks… but we both know this party is ending back at my cabin. So just say the word and we can flip past the boring chapters and skip straight to the happy ending."

"Ew!" I just about shrieked, nearly knocking over my glass. "Why are you so _gross?!_ "

"Aw, don't be like that baby!" Shane said.

Just then someone called out in a loud voice that the mixer had ended. I jerked to my feet, more than ready to leave.

"Guess I'm saved by the bell. Goodbye, Shane."

He stepped in front of me. "Whoa, whoa, whoa… you can't just leave me hanging like this! Typical. Is this the thanks a nice guy gets for buying a girl a drink?"

Shane opened his mouth to say more, but stopped as a handsome man in an impeccably tailored suit stepped in. His black hair was closely cropped to his dark skin, and his eyes burned with a sort of fierce gentleness.

The handsome stranger smiled before saying "Excuse me, sir. I'm afraid this bar is reserved for another private event. But there's a second bar on Deck 8 I'd highly recommend."

Handsome _and_ well-spoken. I must be dreaming.

"Are you kidding me?" Shane whined, his face a pout. "Fine. Come on, beautiful. Let's get out of here."

"I'm not going anywhere with you."

He began shrieking again about how he'd been such a gentleman to me, but the handsome stranger once again stepped in.

"The lady gave you her answer. I recommend you leave." His eyes were steely, and finally, Shane backed down before storming off.

"The whole bar, reserved?" I said, once everyone had left. "A likely story."

He simply smiled before explaining how he'd reserved the bar himself. Just to get me out of Shane's grip.

What a gentleman!

When I thanked him, he smiled again, holding out his hand. "My name is Mr Sizzle."

"Mrs Blah Blah," I said. Then my mouth dropped open as I realized what had just happened. "Y-your name! It's so… beautiful."

"I picked it out myself. Honestly more of a business name than a real one…" He trailed off, then looked at me. I could see my words sinking in. He raised an eyebrow. "You're… married?"

I shook my head, laughing a little. "Oh no."

I gave him the quick version of the story, one I had told so much it was practically engraved into my mind.

"Well, I think it's a beautiful name," he said, reaching out to take my hand in his. "A beautiful name for a beautiful woman."

* * *

Athens. City of ancient Greek sculptures and temples, aqueducts and… squabbling siblings.

"So much history…" I said to myself, stepping away from the current family feud. "I could walk around here for hours by myself."

Just then a little kid barged past me knocking me into… the most handsome man I'd ever seen. His blond hair tumbled around his fair skin. Ice blue eyes stared into mine. I felt like screaming incoherently with joy.

"Whoa!" he said.

I flung out my arms and caught him around the neck and he helped set me upright.

"Thanks!" I gasped.

"It's okay, I've got you, Miss…"

"Mrs Blah Blah." Again, the name slipped out before I could realize what I was saying. "And you are…?"

"Incoherent Screaming," he said, a smirk pulling at his lips. "You can call me Inc Screaming for short, if you'd like."

"Incoherent Screaming," I whispered, letting the name roll off of my tongue. "Nice to meet you."

"Trust me, the pleasure is all mine. It's not every day that a gorgeous woman falls right into my arms."

Was it just me, or were little sparkles surrounding his gorgeous face?

"And it's not every day that a handsome stranger catches me," I replied.

"Must be a lucky day for both of us. But I have to admit, you're awfully flirtatious for a married woman."

"Who says I was ever married~?"

He laughed. "You're a very intriguing woman, you know that?"

"Same for you," I said. "Now, what's the story behind your name?"

At my words, Incoherent Screaming let out a sigh, raising a hand to rub over his face. "It's my rugged good looks," he said, his tone only half joking. "Even when I was young, any girl who say my face would burst into incoherent screaming. I began to think of it as my name… and… well, by the time I figured it out, it was too late." He turned to me. "Now, please don't tell me you're going to waste your whole day swimming through a sea of tourists."

"Well, that was the plan," I said. "I want to see Greece, after all!"

"Oh, there's more than one way to do that. Let me show you around. I promise it'll be more fun than this," said Incoherent Screaming.

"I don't know… I'm here with my family…" I said, but my tone didn't match my words.

I glanced back to see my siblings giving me the thumbs up, Ah Me Gersh mouthing the words, _SO HOT._

For once, I couldn't argue.

* * *

After that, it was a whirlwind. Dates, promises, confessions… but in the end, I could only choose one. But really, I'd known from the start who I've wanted. The one who left me breathless, unable to find words.

The one who left me screaming for joy.

The one who'd always be a prince to me.

Incoherent Screaming.

I accepted his proposal in a heartbeat, and before I knew it, we were off on a wedding planning adventure, shipwreck and all. Thankfully, everyone was rescued, even my brother's kitten, Meepo.

And as I stood there under the wedding arch, sharing my vows with the man I loved, I came to know the truth. That a rose by any other name would smell as sweet.

And right now, there was name I'd rather go by than Mrs BlahScreaming.

* * *

 _A/N: Credit for Inc Screaming's name goes to my friend. He suggested that the next time I was able to name someone, I should just put *Incoherent screaming* so his name was literally the sound of someone screaming incoherently. Unfortunately, I could only put in so many letters, so I had to settle on Inc Screaming. Dr Creepsalot came from an old random video my friends made, featuring the "skilled" Dr Creepsalot. And of course, who could my Dad's favorite name in the whole world, Mainerdeena (whenever me or my siblings would ask him for a name, he'd always reply with "Mainerdeena.")_

 _I knew starting out that this was a romance game, so I thought it'd be funny to name the character "Mrs" like she was already married, ahah. Ah me gersh is my way of saying "Oh my gosh" sometimes, and the rest were just random phrases thrown out in the spur of the moment._

 _I've found myself enjoying the other stories (Royal Romance, Endless Summer (SO GOOD)) quite a lot, so who knows, you may see me back here again._

 _Until then, REVIEW! :D_


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